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Tuesday, 17 February 2009

  • Sliding back into depression

    is not a fun thing at all.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not freaking going down a slide or whatever.  I got pushed off a cliff and I'm hurdling down into an abyss (I've used the word hurdling multiple times today). 

    I've been depressed before.  In fact, if I'd told anymore people than those that helped me get out of it, they'd probably have locked me up in the crazy chambers or whatever, or at least kept me on suicide watch.  However, it's something I've noticed that you're not helping anyone when you find all these suicidal people, have someone stare at them for twenty five (and yes, this is intentional) hours a day, and film it to put on freaking television.  Even if you just put it on the local news or city newspaper, it's no benefit to the individual w/ a mental health problem.  The person's probably got a problem w/ judgment or having people look at him/her, so keeping a "close eye" on them doesn't help at all.  Digresssssion!  Anyways, it really sucked.  It was over the summer, questioning my sexuality and etc.  That sucks, also, questioning your sexuality.  We live in a straight-oriented society, and, of course, there's something about me that's just not right, of course.  I'm bisexual.  That's pretty certain now, although only one person in my life knows, probably one of the closest, most important people in my life.  She's awesome.  Anyways, I was also isolated from all friends and family except for my dad because I had to go live w/ him for about a month over the summer.  It was complete despair.

    You know what it feels like?  It feels as if your heart's trying its hardest not to keep beating, that it's slowing down intentionally, just waiting for your body to follow toute suite. It feels like you don't wanna wake up in the morning because you're just gonna have to go through another day of Hell, so it wouldn't make a difference.  It's when you're not too sure whether or not you've already died. 

    But I found things to keep me alive, people that make my life amazing.  These people, however, don't need me.  All of them.  They never have, and, if anything, I'm just a burden and an awkward presence touching on their lives, not even making an impact.  And I know this already.  These people, I've just been a bridge to in multiple ways.  I've extended paths to them for each other, and I've let them walk all over me.  I've let them walk all over me, however, because that's probably as good as it's gonna get, and I hate to ruin a steady, good thing.  Don't rock the bridge, if you will. 

    So that's what leads to this upcoming depression.  I don't need this right now.  Actually, who ever needs depression?  I can't have this right now.  I'm in a shtload of work, drowning at school, and have family problems up to my forehead, dude.  And what does it feel like right now?   It kinda feels like it did a couple weeks before my first depression: I feel like wearing dark sht and lonely all the time.  I feel as if everyone's avoiding me, judging me behind their eyes.  And the worst plausible feeling: I'm worried nothing's going to change.

Saturday, 20 December 2008

Wednesday, 17 December 2008

  • A Couple Things you need to know about me

    1.  lacking a couple senses.
    I'm anosmic, which means I have no sense of smell.  That's one gone right there.  Next, my optometrist is "amazed that [I'm] not blind!"  That's never a good thing for him to say, huh?  Well, that's, like, 1 1/2 now.  So, there's, like, a whole 'nother realm and a half to which I've never experienced, I guess.  Oh, wait, apparently, if I've never smelled, I've never fully experienced taste...=[ 

    2.  In my mind, I'm judging you based on everything you do and say.
    It's true, I'm judgmental. So bite me.  xD   The thing is, I would never ever EVER on any terms reveal to any person my actual thoughts.  I'm really good at hiding things.  ;D 

    3.  You're not supposed to know my real identity.
    Via the lack of a profile picture and all my pseudonyms for real people, I think that's pretty obvious.

    4.  I'm bisexual.

    5.  I'm still in the closet, but I think I left the door open a little.

Sunday, 14 December 2008

  • Depressed

    Maybe.

    idk, lately, everything seems to be slowly going down the toilet, ya know what I mean?  I mean, like, I'm afraid I'm losing my friends and I just gave up on a commitment I took on a long, long time ago, and I'm about to dive in to my first relationship heads first.   xP 

    I like to think I'm better now than I was in the summer, though.  2 suicidal attempts, but I was also questioning.  (btw, I should change my "about me".  I'm sure I'm no longer questioning as of last week)  oh wait, back to the suicide. I was also stuck in another state to spend time w/ my dad away from all other family and all my friends.  I was seriously depressed.  Life sucked.

    Life's a little better now, though.  Sure of my sexuality, have a lot more friends (even though I may be losing all of them, one by one), and school feels a lot more under control.  Still, finals are this week, and I keep telling my mom I've studied and that I'm studying, but I'm lying just to get her to leave me alone. 

    Also, I'm really afraid I'm losing my friends.  I'm hella oblivious, so when I notice subtle little things that make me feel like I'm losing someone, there's probably a lot more bad things I don't realize.  No shit, I hella don't notice when people are mad at me or when I've irritated/offended someone, and I also don't often realize if I've made people happy.  I think that's what a lot of people like about me--that I don't simply put on an act for people's reactions.  I don't realize the reactions so that's not an option, lol.  Like, this guy who's been hella close to me (as a friend, chill) seems to be drifting, and we've known each other for, what, a semester?  Maybe he got tired of me.  I'm worried that I get a little too old-school for people to maintain interest in.  Especially guys.  I've never really been good at befriending guys because I act gay.  I won't deny it.  I gravitate towards females in the friend area, but *hello!* i'm in an all-guys' school. 

    I'm starting to get depressed.
    Like, no sht, it feels just like it did over the summer.  My heart feels heavy, and all my smiles feel fake lately.  Ordinarily, I make hella sincere, warm smiles [because I practice, LOL], but now they just don't seem to come.  I just wish people were more straight-up.  I hate when people don't tell me what's bothering them, especially if it involves me.  Don't expect me to figure it out!  Please!  I will NOT be able to!   I swear, if you're waiting for me to come apologize first, I swear I would if I could.  However, I'm not able to because I'm the slowest, most oblivious little boy you've ever met!  So, I just wish that if people had a problem w/ me, they would just spit it out straight to my face.  Cuz seriously, it'll probably hurt me worse if I realize something's wrong and nobody tells me anything.

    And just to let you know, my mom's been taking a lot of medicine lately.  There are lots of medicinal pills around me.  Lots of drugs.  It'd be easy to have another suicide attempt.  A successful one.

    No hetero

Wednesday, 10 December 2008

  • I love

    how people are finding my blog off of google searches.  =]  That's nice, and I'm glad that people have found my more emotional ones.  xD  I hope it benefited you in some way.

    Anyways, sorry I haven't been blogging lately, guys!  xP  Hella homework and such.

    So, what's up?  I am confident in my bisexuality now, btw.  =]  Well, as far as I'm concerned, I only need 2 labels stuck to my forehead, and if they must be anything right now, it's gotta be "asian" and "geek."  Still closeted, as you can tell.

    So more blogs to come!  I promise there will be plenty of Christmas stories w/ lots of the guys I was referring to.  I bet you gay guys will like my blogs a lot more than anyone else.  xD


    no hetero